In my 30 some odd years of singledom I have managed, through trial and error, to get to know my true self enough to learn what makes me happy. As my days of singledom continued I was always asked whether I was truly happy, and as I examined my life, I realized I was happy in all aspects of my life except in love. Now that I have allowed myself to become open to love (still a work in progress for this chica who struggles letting go of her conditioning 😉 ) I failed to remember that it took me 30 some odd years to know exactly what I needed to do in my life in order to feel happiness, so why was I expecting my partner of a few months to bring me to that happiness level, which took me so long to learn for myself?
Being an independent woman and hearing about how men want to feel needed, I decided to stop doing all the manly things (moving the lawn, home repairs, etc.) I had previously done for myself around the house and started to expect my BF (boyfriend) to start doing them in the same time frame and with the same diligence that I used to. I also used to attend all my social engagements by myself without a problem, but as soon as my BF entered my life, I stated to expect him to attend and love attending everything I did with the same level of happiness and excitement that I did. Soon however, I realized that he wasn’t necessarily doing things around the house with the same loving care that I did and he wasn’t enjoying all my social events with the same level of excitement and joy that I did and expected of him. I started to resent him for needing to be convinced to do the things that I loved to do and wanted him to enjoy doing for me and with me.
See, I like every single woman, had fantasized about how wonderful it would be to share my life with someone, someone who I could do everything with and wouldn’t see doing those things as a chore, but would see them as fun – like I did. This prompted my Ego to quickly swoop in and whisper – “If he loved you, he would do everything you love without making you feel like it was a chore,” which slowly began to switch my happiness into unhappiness. Without knowing it, I had started to depend on him for happiness, even though I clearly knew what I needed to be happy and had just read and thought I understood what Gina Lake’s Loving in the Moment was all about. 😛
My Ego is strong I tell you, but I finally shook myself free again and realized that my BF was not what was zapping my happiness. I was doing it all to myself by holding on to fantasies and my conditioning, vs. being grateful for the reality that I have been blessed with, which is a loving man who’s sole job is to add to my happiness, not make me happy.
I now realize that my vision of this relationship was based on my perception and fantasy of what I’ve heard relationships were all about. Once I realized that I had everything in my power to continue to live in the land of happiness I had created for myself over these past 30 some odd years, I was able to let go of my expectations of him and realize that I was in full control of whether I was happy or not.
Now I am working on always showing gratitude for those things he is willing to do with me or for me and am working on not feeling resentment or unloved because he doesn’t do them in the same time frame or with the same amount of love that I think they should be done in. If something is super important however and does need some special attention, then I am trying to make it a point to tell him about it vs. expecting him to just know. And what do you know, although his views/actions may have not changed, I have found my happy place again, proving happiness does come from within. Although I’ve heard that said many times, I never truly understood it until I found myself down and out. Now I know that trying to find happiness in someone or something other than yourself will only lead to unhappiness, so I am trying to stop blaming everyone and everything around me for how I feel. Instead I am looking within and making a conscious effort to make that mind shift, because a happy life is what it’s all about!
What do you think is keeping you from happiness? Do you think a mind shift is in order?